If there is a point at which miscarriage becomes easy, it must be somewhere beyond the number 5. Yesterday I started bleeding & today it was confirmed.
I used to think that our losses were so hard because of how far along we were with the two that we named. But this one was our earliest loss and it's still so sad. It's so easy to cry and so hard to find energy to be a fun mom. We were thrilled to have this happy secret. Truly full of joy! I loved the thought of another birth, another sweet baby, and another cute toddler. (Ava is at such an adorable stage!)
It's funny how my attitude about announcing pregnancy has evolved. The traditional wisdom of course is not to announce too early. But after going through a miscarriage I thought that was rather bad advice. It seems to reinforce the idea that a miscarriage is something taboo that you shouldn't talk about. Grief is already isolating, why make that worse by keeping the pregnancy to yourselves? Yet because we have a large family, I haven't told people about our last two pregnancies. It's kind of a counter-cultural choice to have a lot of kids so I know people don't understand why we would even want another. Also, I don't see a purpose in letting my kids know and making them sad when another baby doesn't grow.
And so, I cry alone & try my best to be normal around my kids. But the great thing about having faith is that I believe God is my Heavenly Father and that He knows my heart. He can share in my hope and joys. And even when I otherwise feel alone, He can share my grief. He has a lot of children! He gets it. He understands my longing.
